I Apologize.

I apologize for my absence. I’ve been spending my precious few moments of spare time submitting my nonsense to higher traffic sites and publications. 

I love writing, but it would appear that I am not well suited to blog promoting, and again, lack of time is probably a factor. I’ve been going for almost a year and a half and I have accumulated a little over 300 followers. I look at other sites with 5000, or 10,000 followers and I realize I’m not so good at selling my blog. 

I am not abandoning my blog by any means. . . Just taking a look around in the world of writing.

Sorry to my cherished followers. I shall check back in a while!

Many Thanks to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop!

I am honored to have had my  Easter Story posted on the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop website! Surf on over and give my story a like. You can even read other humorous stories by real life authors and columnists (I consider myself to be a pretending author).

Erma Bombeck was the first author I remember reading as a teenager that actually made me LOL! If you are an aspiring or established humor writer, try submitting a post!

The Nerve of some Bloggers (blogging paranoia)

Phone lights up telling me I have a WordPress notification.

(Hopeful wonder)

A new follower! 

(Exuberance)

Blurmuth6650 . . . . What kind of name is that? Just doesn’t sound like someone who would follow a blog like mine. . . . But beggars can’t be choosers.

(Wonder)

So is Blurmuth one of those bloggers with 10,000 followers who is just looking to add to his ginormous follower army? Is this how he got his 10,000 followers? Follow en mass and collect the follow-backs? A purely self-serving following? 

(Annoyance)

Or is Blurmuth a new blogger hoping to scrounge a fourth follower? Too lazy to get out there and blog an earning of followers like the rest of us?

(Arrogance and disgust sprinkled with bits of ego)

I’ll bet Blurmuth didn’t even read a single post!

(Indignant anger)

Hmmmmm. . . The Speakings of Blurmuth . . . An ok blog title but nothing overly impressive. Looks like Blurmuth likes to post about politics and NASCAR. What would make Blurmuth follow a blog like mine? I see he has 347 followers. . . That’s more than me . . . . I’ll bet I deserve 347 followers more than Blurmuth does. I just know Blurmuth is up to some sort of blogging nefariousness.

(Dismissal of the following as not genuine)

I have better things to do than engage with a blogger named Blurmuth who only follows other blogs out of pure Narcissism.

I’ll not even dignify Blurmuth with  the response of a follow-back. I’m going blog surfing elsewhere.

(Changing of blogging gears)

I’ll just browse through Reader and find a more worthwhile blog . . . . Like this one right here . . . Looks like a “Mom Blog”. . . . Mom Blogs can’t resist my excellent family humor. . . . And Wow, this Mom Blogger has 13,900 followers! A mention or acknowledgement from this blog would catapult my blog into the blogosphere!

I’m sure this Mom blog has interesting posts. I’m sure I would really like it if I had time to read one of the posts . . . . But I have other pressing blogging business to attend to. I’ll come back later and confirm that I do in fact like this Mom Blog.

(Click of the mouse)

There! I followed. Time to blog on.

This following better produce some followers of my own. I’ll bet that Mom won’t even check out my blog. She’s probably one of those “I’m too good to respond to the kind gesture of a follow by following back”.

She’ll probably assume I just followed her to serve my own blogging promotion instead of the fact that maybe I actually like the things that she posts . . . . Which I will confirm when I return some day when I have more time and actually read one of the posts.

It’s people like this Mom . . . . And Blurmuth that give bloggers a bad name. . . . . Ohhhhhhhh a Dad Blog! Dad bloggers just love my writing style! Wow, he’s got 5400 followers. . . . 

(Click of the mouse)

This is Big. . .Really Big.

I have taken the best of my ridiculous short stories from this blog and two previously published books and thrown them into a greatest hits of sorts. The result is probably one of the greatest books for sitting in the magazine rack next to the toilet that was ever created.

The Kindle version is available on Amazon as we speak. . . or as you read. The paperback will be available in a week or so.

Magical Book Link

For those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning, most of these stories have already appeared on this blog. . . . so I will forgive you (eventually) if you don’t purchase it. The rest of you will have to buy the book to read all of the stories that have been featured on this fine blog.

“Well why would I buy the book when I can just go into your archives and read the stories for free?” you might ask.

I will tell you why. Because most of the stories in the book that once appeared on this blog were later removed to be held for ransom. Buy the book or you will never see those stories again. It’s marketing at it’s finest.

Many sincere thanks my dozen or so dedicated readers!

 

A Horrific Tale About Writer’s Block.

The urge to write something epic was over-powering. I needed to create a piece that was unique, but still containing all the time tested components of a classic. I could feel the creative genius building inside me like a pile of leaves that had been ignited with too much gasoline.

A novel! I’d write a novel that would put Melville’s silly fish story to shame. . . . . No, that would take too long and I know from experience, that these bursts of creative energy only last a few hours, or until something catches my eye on TV.

Maybe a poem . . . no, that’s an even more ridiculous notion. I haven’t the slightest idea how to meter, and I think I might be rhyme deaf.

So, I decided that I should stop wasting time deciding what form of literature my writing would be and just start writing. I could always decide later if it was a novel, or poem, or short story. I would just let the spirit take me wherever it wanted.

I sat down at the computer with my cup of coffee. I made myself comfortable, and prepared to unleash the epic-ness . . . I cracked my knuckles in preparation for the flurry of typing . . . here we go.

But nothing was coming out.

The keyboard keys were not clacking.

I thought for sure that this much inspiration was surely the precursor to an earth-shaking subject matter. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I really had no ideas on deck. The desire to begin my masterpiece was unbearable, but there was nothing there!

I began to look around the room as if the dirty cereal bowl on the end table, or the floral print box of Kleenexes would suddenly jar a topic loose, but again, there was nothing.

I stood up and scratched my head. I looked out the window at the overgrown lawn, but all that came to mind was that the lawn mower blades needed sharpening. For a second, I pondered a novel about dull lawn mower blades, but it seemed to lack the potential for being the awesomeness that I was determined to create.

Picking up a women’s magazine from the coffee table, I began to leaf through it. I would write a story about . . . dish soap? No, that’s silly . . . how about “Sizzling Summer Fashion Ideas?” No, even the word fashion itself made me yawn . . . tampons? Good Lord, NO!

I simply had nothing to write about, and it was beginning to make me angry. I was getting angry at my brain. Stupid brain!

After another two hours of seeking ideas from magazines, two glasses of wine, watching the dog sleep, and both sides of Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” album, I finally gave in to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and all the ambition in the world was simply not going to change that fact.

In an act of desperation, I sat down and began writing about having writer’s block, the result of which you are reading now. It certainly isn’t the Pulitzer Prize winner that I was anticipating, but it did occupy me until a documentary about South African Crocodiles came on the television.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can get away with writing about having writer’s block more than once with any degree of success. I guess the next time I have writer’s block you will be stuck reading about a floral print box of Kleenexes.

Publishers are just Jealous of my Skills.

I’m thinking about having another go at self-publishing. All the publishers I have submitted to just can’t seem to bring themselves to accept my genius . . . . I’m pretty sure they are all jealous of my skills . . . 

No, I really don’t think that. 

My stories are an odd humor. And although they may be entertaining to some (a very few some), I know there are some rough spots to the writing. I don’t see a publisher wanting to take a chance on my stories, so I may have another go at self-publishing. 

I’ve published two different story collections in the past. I didn’t quite make the Best Sellers list, but I was happy that there were a few people, who weren’t my friends or family, who actually enjoyed the books. I carried a 4.5 star rating on Amazon out of about forty reviews, not to mention I made dozens of dollars.

I think I may pick some of my favorite stories (I have around 120 or so to choose from) and re-work them a bit. Then put them in a sort of greatest hits of sorts.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts for this moment. Has anyone out there done any self-publishing? Any success? 

Spammers are pretty dumb.

I constantly get emails and comments from different websites and services that professs to be seeking blogs that have the following and influence that the Single Family Asylum commands.

I used to get excited about such correspondence, that is until I actually started reading them a little more attentively.

Some would say, “I can tell that your blog has a lot of good information that would be useful to parents and families.”

Really? I write about vomit and poop. I write about my inability to control my children. I write about my wife throwing a coffee mug at my head. 

You spammers are dumb. You would be a lot more effective if you actually read a post or two.

I guess spammers don’t bother me all that much. It’s not hard to delete emails and comments. The problem, however, is that if and when I actually get contacted by a legitimate organization, the chances that I recognize and respond are very small. 

Maybe I’ve already deleted that one offer that would have rocketed my blog to global blog dominance. 

Authors?

Are there any author hopefuls out there? Writer wannabes like myself? I found a website called Authonomy. It is owned by the publisher Harper Collins. 

https://www.authonomy.com

Authonomy offers a place to upload your book, or even a work in progress. Other members can then read and rate your work . . . A lot like many other author websites. The difference, however, is that Authonomy is owned and operated by a publisher, and apparently there is a potential to have your book noticed and published by Harper Collins.

I’m new to the site (blunderdad is my user name if you want to read and leave a review stating that my writing some of the greatest literature that can be found on the planet). Activity on the site is a little slow, but it’s an interesting concept. 

So check it out and tell me what you think. Or maybe you have and already have an opinion.