Showering Genius.

Being the intellectual type, I can’t help but try to streamline daily tasks and duties.  Just because something has been done a certain way for long periods of time, doesn’t mean that it can’t be improved upon.

One morning I was standing in the shower when our cat suddenly came flying into the bathroom and through the shower curtain in a panic. Hot on the cat’s tail was our dog Pippi, who also came flying into the bathroom and then through the shower curtain. Once both animals were inside the shower, they proceeded to engage in an extremely vicious claw and fang fight.

Now, the dog chasing the cat was nothing new around our house, but the dog and the cat ending up in the shower with me was a new development.  The brain of an ordinary man would have been preoccupied with the multiple lacerations sustained on his legs and buttocks during the dog and cat scuffle which he had just been in the middle of, but I barely even noticed the pain and blood. Instead, my mental gears began to turn as I stood in the warm flow of water, looking down at Pippi.

I was in the shower . . . . . and Pippi was in the shower . . . . . . We were both already wet, so why not give the dumb dog a bath . . . or shower as it were. I had just taken two separate tasks, showering and dog washing, and combined them into one highly efficient event.

In the days that followed, I couldn’t help but be proud of my combining showering with dog bathing, and I began to think of other things that I could incorporate to make the time wasted in the shower even more productive. With the whole water/washing theme of a being in a shower, the natural progression seemed to be washing clothes.

I figured I could just wear whatever clothes I wanted to wear for the day while I was in the shower. I was sure that the scrubbing of the clothes will also seep through to my body and clean it as well. The only dilemma was whether I should use laundry detergent or body wash, so just to be safe, I settled on using a dash of both.

The combination did indeed seem to result in the cleaning of both myself and my clothes, but the drying of the clothes needed some adjustment. At first, I liked the idea of just showering with the clothes on that I would wear for the day, and then just walking out of the bathroom ready to head off to work. However, I discovered that it takes anywhere from three to six hours for the clothes that you had showered in to dry, which seems to also lead to chafing in “uncomfortable places”, (chafing that my wife delighted in calling “diaper rash”). So now, I shower with the clothes on that I will wear for tomorrow, and then hang them over the shower curtain rod, and put on the clothes that I showered in yesterday to wear for today.

I found that by showering twice a day, I could even help out with some of the rest of the family’s laundry (with the exception of my daughters jeans because I can’t fit into them). But my helpful efforts were not appreciated. In fact, I actually became the subject of anger and ridicule from my wife who happened to walk into the bathroom just as I was stepping out of the shower wearing the dress that she would most likely wear to church that Sunday . . . freshly laundered, might I add.

As time went on, I continued to develop more time saving activities that could be incorporated into my showering and have even come up with a daily showering schedule that looks like this:

Monday:

Morning shower . . . laundry (I’ve now gone to a two to three outfit shower by making one or more wardrobe changes).

Mid-day shower . . . dishes from the previous day.

Tuesday:

Morning shower . . . laundry or wash dog every other week.

Mid-day shower . . . dishes and watering of half the house plants (I can’t fit all the house into the shower at once, but I’m working on a rack system that would accommodate all of them).

Wednesday:

Morning shower . . . laundry and second half of house plants

Mid-day shower . . . dishes.

Evening shower . . . drapes and linen, alternate.

Thursday:

Morning shower . . . laundry and attempt to wash one of the cats . . . if, I’m feeling ambitious.

Mid-day shower . . . dishes.

Evening shower . . . bathroom throw rugs and scour the shower walls.

Friday:

Morning shower . . . catch up on any laundry or dishes.

The system seems to be working well in spite of spending most of my days with pruned fingers. I continue to look for new ways to improve on my showering activities. One idea of mine is to build a shower that you can drive your car into, so you can shower and wash your car at the same time. I would call it the “car wash” . . . well, ok, I know that someone already used that name, so maybe I’d call it the “car shower.”

Living life as an Airhead.

I’m absent minded, an airhead if you prefer. I’m not stupid. I can think quite logically. But my mind is always going in so many directions that I often forget to remember things that I’m not supposed to forget.

It makes me seem forgetful, but I’m really not. I’m just so preoccupied with stuff like my idea to market underarm deodorant for dogs, that I just never remember to remember things in the first place.

This constant irrelevant brain activity can also distract me in the middle of tasks, and leave me confused as to which step of a process I was on.

For the most part I’ve learned to live with it . . . . Or perhaps those around me have learned to live with it and now compensate for my air-headedness.

For your entertainment, I have thrown together a list of things that can occur in the life of someone afflicted with air-headedness. 

1. I have, on more than one occasion, left the house and discovered at some point thereafter that I was wearing two different shoes. 

The embarrassment level that is the result of such an oversight can vary depending on (a) just how different the two shoes are (two different styles of brown shoes is much better than one white tennis shoe and one black hiking boot) and (b) where I am going with my mismatched shoes on (a trip to the store for bread is much preferable to standing on a stage with my daughter at a high school sports awards ceremony with one leather dress shoe and one corduroy slipper).

2. I never know where my wallet is. 

Yes, I’ve been told by many people that I need to just pick a place and put it there EVERY time I walk in the door. It doesn’t work.

Losing my wallet is so common place that sometimes when we are about to leave the house, my children begin looking for it before I have even declared it was missing. 

I lose it so often that I am afraid to keep things like money, credit cards, and my drivers license in it. I figure losing just a credit card or just my drivers license is better than losing everything that was in the wallet. However, I do feel silly carrying around an empty wallet at times.

3. I am terrible with names. I can remember the names of family members and close friends, but nearly everyone else ends up getting an assigned name that I can use when referring to them. 

Such names include: 

“Natalie’s friend who is always smelling the back of her hand”

“Lady at church who sounds like she is saying cheesus instead of Jesus when singing a solo”

“The guy from work that smells like popcorn”

4. Sometimes I jump in the shower and forget that there is a certain order to the body washing process. Without thinking, I will wash my butt first, leaving me with the choice of getting a second washcloth to wash my face, or finishing the shower without the aid of a washcloth. 

Or in a worst case scenario, I realize my shower order error AS I’m washing my face with the same washcloth that was scrubbing my butt just moments before. . . . in which case I get out of the shower, dry off, dress, select a new washcloth, undress and begin the whole showering process all over again as if the first shower debacle never took place.

Phobia.

Today, while taking my shower, I ran out of body wash so I had to finish using shampoo as a replacement.

Whenever this happens I have a phobia that there will be chemicals in the body wash and shampoo that are not compatible, and my body will suddenly burst into flames or explode.