When you read the title of this little article, you might have thought, “Oh, some advice on time management. This should be good!”

No.

There is no advice happening here when it comes to time management. There are so many more things that I need and want to do than I can possibly get done in one life time. It makes my head spin.

I work a full time job that sometimes requires overtime. I have a wife who I love and want to take out on “date nights”. I have two girls who I want to spend time with. I have a lawn that needs mowing and a two cars that need fixing. Our house needs cleaning and remodeling. I like writing and blogging. I like cartooning and drawing. I love being outdoors and fishing and laying in hammocks. I am a social person who values time with friends. I put a high value on volunteering my time for things I consider to be worthwhile causes.

“So how on earth do I manage to do all that?” you might ask.

“You must be a master at time management,” you might say.

The answer is simple. I don’t. I don’t do any of it.

My wife and I spend time together on the couch each evening taking turns snoring while the TV lights up the room and makes noise. It’s rare that both of us are still awake by 9:00.

I see my daughters coming and going sometimes. I manage enough effort to hope that they haven’t dropped out of school or started working at a meth lab. Sometimes I reach my arm up to hand them the money that they ask for, and I’m to tired to argue about in my after work coma state . . . . . . I’m pretty sure one of them was humming Cats in the Cradle the other night as they walked past my lifeless body.

My lawn gets mowed when it becomes so overgrown that it is embarrassing to be seen standing on it . . . . or worse yet, no one can even see me standing on it.

My cars will never get fixed.

The house is a monument to clutter. Remodeling is a ridiculous notion. Over the years I have learned that starting a remodeling project means that I will rip up the floor tile, tear out the sink, and apply spackle to spots on the wall . . . . and then abandon the project for two years . . . . . or possibly forever.

The last thing I’ve done that could be considered “volunteer work” was to chase down a piece of paper that had blown out of my neighbors garbage and put it back in the garbage can . . . . . and to be truthful, I only did it because it looked like a check stub and I wanted to know how much money an accountant makes . . . . . now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure I threw it back on the ground when I realized it wasn’t a check stub.

So my answer to trying to manage my time and get my gigantis “to do” list completed is . . . . . do nothing. I sit idle and wallow in self-pity over not possibly having enough time to get it all done, and never end up accomplishing anything, not even the things like fishing and cartooning that I actually enjoy doing. I disgust myself.

What disgusts me even more is you time management Savants. Your houses are perfect. Cars get serviced before they break down. Your houses and lawns look like home magazine covers. You volunteer for the school, the church, and you host scrapbooking clubs at your houses where delicious and visually appealing hors d’oeuvres are served on plates and napkins that match your living room décor. And you still have time left over to golf, have barbecues, and watch Dancing with the Stars.

You sicken me. Even more than I sicken myself.

But I know that I will eventually get fed up with myself and have a burst of energy. I’ll manage to half-ass my way through a few items on the list, sit down with a sigh, a beer, and a warm feeling for having gotten something done, and slowly return to my state of depression over all the things that are still left on the list.