Get Your Hands off my Email.

I was sitting on the couch watching TV, when all of a sudden the front door burst open and a representative from Levi’s came running into our living room. Before I could react, he ripped my jeans from off of my body and threw them into the garbage. Then, after a brief struggle, he was able to force me into a newer version of the pants I had been wearing. 

“There you go” he said cheerfully as he opened the door to leave, “You’ll thank me later.”

I felt a bit violated not having a choice in the matter. Worse yet, I soon discovered that my pockets had been rearranged. Instead of two back pockets, I now had one big pocket on the left thigh. And my front pockets were now on the knees. The belt loops were gone because this new pair of jeans was supposed to be fitted better to my butt, eliminating the need for a belt according to the Levi’s guy.

 I was angry . . . . No, furious!

Actually, that never really happened, but it’s how I feel when Windows, or Facebook, or Itunes, or Gmail, or some other operating system or app decides that it is in my best interest to just yank away a version of their program that I am comfortable with, and replace it with one that they deem more beneficial.

I am not the most computer savvy person in the world, so these changes can be very traumatic. There is comfort in familiarity when it comes to my relationship with technology. It makes me livid, when you take away a system I am used to. That system was my security. It was my blanky . . . . .

Give me my old blue jeans back!!!

 

Spammers are pretty dumb.

I constantly get emails and comments from different websites and services that professs to be seeking blogs that have the following and influence that the Single Family Asylum commands.

I used to get excited about such correspondence, that is until I actually started reading them a little more attentively.

Some would say, “I can tell that your blog has a lot of good information that would be useful to parents and families.”

Really? I write about vomit and poop. I write about my inability to control my children. I write about my wife throwing a coffee mug at my head. 

You spammers are dumb. You would be a lot more effective if you actually read a post or two.

I guess spammers don’t bother me all that much. It’s not hard to delete emails and comments. The problem, however, is that if and when I actually get contacted by a legitimate organization, the chances that I recognize and respond are very small. 

Maybe I’ve already deleted that one offer that would have rocketed my blog to global blog dominance. 

There is no room in this world for people who can’t handle change . . . and I’m one.

At least once a month, if not more, I bring up my email on the computer, or open some app on my phone only to find that the creators of said email or app have deemed it in my best interest to completely re-arrange the layout and change how you perform different functions. Google, Windows, Itunes, Facebook, even WordPress . . . . . all guilty.

I suppose for the very forward thinking tech lovers, this might be akin to opening a present at Christmas. Or maybe it has the feel of rearranging the living room furniture into a new and exciting configuration.

But to me, a computer and smart phone dullard, this is no different than taking me in my sleep, transporting me to an unfamiliar house in a small town in Albania, and having people whose language I can’t speak act as if they are my wife and kids when I wake up. No different.

It is rare that I that I have even mastered the previous versions of apps and emails before they decide to change them.

Not too long ago, it was Gmail that decided I had become way too accustomed to how it operates. I woke up one morning, and all my emails had been sorted into categories like “important” or “work” and then the plain old “in box”. Once again, I found myself in the Gmail version of Albania.

Worse yet, I could not for the life of me figure out how Google determined which emails went to which folder. In all honesty I felt violated. Not just violated, but embarrassed as well, because shortly after the new sorting of my emails began, the ones with the subject “Penis Enlargement” began to appear in my “important” box.

HOW DOES GOOGLE KNOW IF PENIS ENLARGEMENT IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE IMPORTANT TO ME????

Could Google see me getting into the shower through my phone? Had my wife secretly been communicating with Google concerning this issue?

The older I get, the harder these little email and app adjustments become. The only thing worse, is getting a new phone or TV or something like that. A new phone or a new “smart TV” causes me great anxiety and can take me months to learn.

Luckily, I have two daughters who grew up in this digital age. They seem to know how to work all these apps, programs, phones, TV’s and every other manner of gadget. It’s as if they were born with the instinct I just use my daughters like little voice operated remotes until I am able to learn the technology myself.

“Make the TV record all the Simpsons” or “find out when Axe Men is on.”

……

I will see you all on Monday, I’m taking a weekend off from blogging 🙂