The Cat Who doesn’t like me to watch TV.

I’m a cat guy. I love all animals, but I particularly like my two cats Schnitzel and Phoebe. I think they like me. But for some reason, Schnitzel is determined to interrupt my television watching as much, and as often as he can. He’s actually gotten quite good at it.

You might look at the picture above and think, “I don’t see the problem. He’s being considerate enough to sit where can still watch your show, ” which is a true statement. However, he is more devious than you think. He’s sitting in right in front of the TV’s “eye” . . . the eye that sees the remote control’s signal. So while I can watch my show, I can’t change the channel, or turn the volume up or down during commercials. It’s quite ingenious on part.

Another one of his favorite TV sabotage tricks is to fight with our other cat, Phoebe, behind the TV stand where all of the cords plug into the TV, cable box and DVD player causing them to be yanked out of their spot where they are supposed to be plugged in.

You might be thinking, “Oh he’s just being a cat. He isn’t intentionally trying to disrupt your TV watching.” But you are wrong! He knows exactly what he’s doing.

His best trick is to wander around the couch and step on the remote that I have sitting next to me. Somehow, he know exactly what buttons to push that will take me to some place in the TV or cable menu that I have never been to before . . . and takes me five minutes of button pushing to find out how to get out of whatever strange mode he sent me to. . . . are a surprisingly large amount of smart TV and cable nether worlds that I am  unfamiliar with.

I’m Dying.

The Doctor’s office calls me and tells me that the doctor wants me to come in the NEXT day to talk to me about my blood work.

I am immediately positive I am dying. . . . Maybe only a week to live since he wanted to see me the following day. . . . . He just wants to avoid the embarrassment of telling a dead body that they are dying. . . . . That is the only reason a doctor could ever fit you in the next day. . . . .

I show up to the appointment with my affairs in order . . . Conversations already plotted out as to how I would break it to my wife, my kids . . . the cat.

“Your vitamin D is a little low” he says.

If I was younger I would have punched him and spent the night in jail thinking it was worth it.

Showering Genius.

Being the intellectual type, I can’t help but try to streamline daily tasks and duties.  Just because something has been done a certain way for long periods of time, doesn’t mean that it can’t be improved upon.

One morning I was standing in the shower when our cat suddenly came flying into the bathroom and through the shower curtain in a panic. Hot on the cat’s tail was our dog Pippi, who also came flying into the bathroom and then through the shower curtain. Once both animals were inside the shower, they proceeded to engage in an extremely vicious claw and fang fight.

Now, the dog chasing the cat was nothing new around our house, but the dog and the cat ending up in the shower with me was a new development.  The brain of an ordinary man would have been preoccupied with the multiple lacerations sustained on his legs and buttocks during the dog and cat scuffle which he had just been in the middle of, but I barely even noticed the pain and blood. Instead, my mental gears began to turn as I stood in the warm flow of water, looking down at Pippi.

I was in the shower . . . . . and Pippi was in the shower . . . . . . We were both already wet, so why not give the dumb dog a bath . . . or shower as it were. I had just taken two separate tasks, showering and dog washing, and combined them into one highly efficient event.

In the days that followed, I couldn’t help but be proud of my combining showering with dog bathing, and I began to think of other things that I could incorporate to make the time wasted in the shower even more productive. With the whole water/washing theme of a being in a shower, the natural progression seemed to be washing clothes.

I figured I could just wear whatever clothes I wanted to wear for the day while I was in the shower. I was sure that the scrubbing of the clothes will also seep through to my body and clean it as well. The only dilemma was whether I should use laundry detergent or body wash, so just to be safe, I settled on using a dash of both.

The combination did indeed seem to result in the cleaning of both myself and my clothes, but the drying of the clothes needed some adjustment. At first, I liked the idea of just showering with the clothes on that I would wear for the day, and then just walking out of the bathroom ready to head off to work. However, I discovered that it takes anywhere from three to six hours for the clothes that you had showered in to dry, which seems to also lead to chafing in “uncomfortable places”, (chafing that my wife delighted in calling “diaper rash”). So now, I shower with the clothes on that I will wear for tomorrow, and then hang them over the shower curtain rod, and put on the clothes that I showered in yesterday to wear for today.

I found that by showering twice a day, I could even help out with some of the rest of the family’s laundry (with the exception of my daughters jeans because I can’t fit into them). But my helpful efforts were not appreciated. In fact, I actually became the subject of anger and ridicule from my wife who happened to walk into the bathroom just as I was stepping out of the shower wearing the dress that she would most likely wear to church that Sunday . . . freshly laundered, might I add.

As time went on, I continued to develop more time saving activities that could be incorporated into my showering and have even come up with a daily showering schedule that looks like this:

Monday:

Morning shower . . . laundry (I’ve now gone to a two to three outfit shower by making one or more wardrobe changes).

Mid-day shower . . . dishes from the previous day.

Tuesday:

Morning shower . . . laundry or wash dog every other week.

Mid-day shower . . . dishes and watering of half the house plants (I can’t fit all the house into the shower at once, but I’m working on a rack system that would accommodate all of them).

Wednesday:

Morning shower . . . laundry and second half of house plants

Mid-day shower . . . dishes.

Evening shower . . . drapes and linen, alternate.

Thursday:

Morning shower . . . laundry and attempt to wash one of the cats . . . if, I’m feeling ambitious.

Mid-day shower . . . dishes.

Evening shower . . . bathroom throw rugs and scour the shower walls.

Friday:

Morning shower . . . catch up on any laundry or dishes.

The system seems to be working well in spite of spending most of my days with pruned fingers. I continue to look for new ways to improve on my showering activities. One idea of mine is to build a shower that you can drive your car into, so you can shower and wash your car at the same time. I would call it the “car wash” . . . well, ok, I know that someone already used that name, so maybe I’d call it the “car shower.”

Situational Ownership Between Father and Daughter.

It’s my daughter’s cat until it’s time to change the litter box.

It’s my car when it needs gas.

It’s her pizza until the leftovers need to need to be put into the refrigerator.

It’s her laptop up until it needs a new hard drive.

It’s her phone charger ….. In fact, they are all her phone chargers, and mine is always the one that is lost, even though I have never actually unplugged and moved it from outlet nearest to my spot on the couch.

Please take my survey if you wouldn’t mind.

While frolicking through fields of “blogs I follow” I happened upon a blogger conducting a survey. It seemed to attract a lot of people who were willing to participate. A short while later, I happened upon a morsel of blogging advice somewhere within the bowels of WordPress that suggested conducting surveys is a wonderful way to attract readers to your blog.

So, I hereby announce the first installment of The Single Family Asylum survey post. It would be wonderful if you all could take a few minutes and answer the questions.

Ok. 

Here we go.

Question 1:  What color socks am I wearing right now . . . . 

My wife, who is obnoxiously leaning over my shoulder reading as I type, claims that this isn’t a good survey question. I was hoping to trick you all with the fact that I am wearing one white and one grey sock, but I suppose she has a point in that you all can’t actually see my socks . . . So we will just move on.

Question 2:  Do any of you have one of those cats that has extra thumbs? When I worked for a landscaper back years ago, he had one of those cats that had extra thumbs (I think he had six on one paw and seven digits on the other). My co-worker and myself nicknamed “Thumbs” and we became quite fond of him . . . . until the day that my co-worker accidentally ran him over with- . . . .

My wife is again informing me that this is not a good survey question and that I am turning it into more of a reminiscing than a question . . . . Whatever, miss survey expert. Let’s move on. 

Question 3:  If, hypothetically, a person asked another person to “please fix the vacuum cleaner belt so that I can vacuum” and then the hypothetical person who was replacing the belt cut his finger on a piece of glass that was stuck in the vacuum belt housing space and then got angry and cursed in front of the children and then threw the vacuum, broken belt and all, out with the trash and wasn’t able to calm down in time to retrieve it before the garbage truck came and took it away forever . . . . . . Would you think it was completely the fault of the person who was changing the belt and got cut? Or the fault of the vacuum? This is a completely random and hypothetical question, but before you answer, keep I’m mind that the person fixing the belt was inured in the process and tired from being at work all day and probably couldn’t help losing his temper.

Question 4:  What is the greatest band ever? 

I will give you a hint:  feminine color/name of barber on The Andy Griffeth Show.

Umm, ok, I guess that will do for my first survey. Please post your answers in the comment section provided below. 

Thank you for participating!

I got 99 followers, and I just need one.

99 followers . . . . Somebody . . . . Please. 

You could be the one who allows me to say that my followers “number in the hundreds”. 

Do it. Just hit follow. I’ll follow your blog in return. Even if it’s a blog dedicated collecting vintage sporks, or even a blog about Kleenex sculptures. 

I would even follow a blog dedicated to Justin Bieber . . . . That’s how desperate I am for 100 . . . . 

So just do it.