Six Million Dollar Man.

I made my living as a tree trimmer and tower climber for over twenty years. I loved every minute of it. Unfortunately, this career choice has a bad effect on your body over the long term. 

I have had three surgeries on my right shoulder, one surgery on left shoulder, and just last week I had surgery on my worn out neck vertebrae.

I don’t mind surgery all that much. I’ve had enough of it over the last five or so years that it doesn’t seem any more inconvenient than mowing the lawn or painting the living room. 

In some ways, it might even be better than doing those things. I get to lay on the couch for weeks without anyone bothering me or making me feel guilty about not accomplishing anything.

I also get to engage in legal recreational drug use for a few weeks. The pain pills I was given after this last round of surgery were especially potent. They send me off into a blissful slumber while the penguins and unicorns, that magically appear, sing lullabies to me.

One of the biggest down sides to surgery is the stoppage of the digestive system that occurs from the anesthesia. You are constantly asked, “did you poop yet?”

It was three days after this last surgery that I finally did poop. But in those three days, my bowels must have been something like a car pile up on an icy freeway. 

When it did finally decide to move. . . . Oh boy . . . . I have now experienced child birth. For a minute there while I was in labor, I even googled whether or not they perform C-sections on bowel movements that had been piling up for three days.

I have a healthy new respect for mothers.

The Art of the Selfie.

When you mention the word selfie, most people automatically think of a teenage girl sitting in her room, or in the bathroom mirror, taking a picture of themselves while making a face that looks like a duck. Or you might think of a teenage boy, bare chested, making pseudo-gang-rapper signs and trying to look tough. But it is not likely that the term selfie would conjure up images of a middle aged semi-bald, pot bellied male . . . . Unless you live in my house.

I discovered my love for the selfie almost immediately after learning of their existence from my teenage daughter, and I now consider it my medium . . . My art form. 

It’s not so much out of vanity that I choose to selfie, it’s more out of self-amusement . . . Or at least that is how I justify my being a middle aged selfie taker. I just love pulling off a great selfie.

Now believe it or not, selfie taking is a skill that, like many things, takes practice. There is a learning curve. The first step is learning how to properly operate your phone’ camera . . . So you don’t end up accidentally taking a selfie of yourself trying to figure out how to take a selfie:

  
One needs to consider things like . . . What’s in the background:

  
And . . . Is the cat as excited about being in a selfie as I am? (This selfie cost me a rather nasty scratch to the nose):

  
But once one has ironed out some of the typical beginner selfie taker difficulties, there is a whole world of selfie taking that opens up. 

You can selfie yourself at work (which is a little more interesting if you happen to be a tree trimmer . . . And currently in a tree):

  
Or you can take one at work while other people are working and you are just standing there taking a selfie:

  
You can selfie on the morning your favorite socks show up in the laundry basket:

  
You can selfie your special alone time reading classic literature:

  
You can selfie while fighting for space in front of the heat register:

  
You can hijack a selfie:

  
You can have your own selfie hijacked: 

 
As your selfie skills progress, you can start stepping up your game with the use of photo editing apps:

  
  
  
 
But no matter how much fun you have getting creative with your selfies, the best ones are still the ones you take that have meaning . . . Like one with two beautiful daughters . . . Even if they aren’t willing participants 🙂

  

Recognizing Life Patterns

 

It is a valuable skill for a person to be able recognize patterns that are developed throughout one’s life. By recognizing them, we can forecast, prevent, and more quickly assess situations that are present or upcoming

Case in point:

When I noticed that the office seemed to smell like dog poop, I should know by now not to spend time looking around and wondering who stepped in it . . . . My life pattern would dictate that I only need to look down.

Single Family Asylum

Efficient on-the-job napping.

As a tree trimmer who sometimes works long hours, I am always on the lookout for new ways to catch up on a few minutes of sleep during the day. I discovered this method last summer.
It takes at least ten minutes for someone to notice you laying on the ground, followed by another 8 minutes of panic and deciding what they should do, and then at least 15 minutes of waiting for the ambulance to get there while everyone repeatedly yells, “DON’T MOVE HIS NECK!”.
At which point you simply stand up and announce that you were just taking a rest with a log on your head…….. A 33 minute nap.

Poetry?

As I surf through the blogosphere, I’ve noticed there seems to be quite a few poetry blogs. I have never really given poetry much thought, but reading some of the posts on these blogs has inspired me.

So here is my first attempt at a poem other than being forced to write a haiku in sixth grade:

My Blogging Poem

I wish that I didn’t
have to work every day
I wish that my blog
would earn me my pay

I’d wake up at noon
and eat a Pop Tart
Then sit down and write
my daily brain fart

Every post that I’d write
would make people cheer
In the mail the next day
a check would appear

To realize this dream
I think that the key
is seven million readers
devoted to me

So please do your part
and insist to your friends
that they all become
my means to an end