I am still writing stuff.

I am still writing from time to time, but I thought it greedy of me to hoard my sure-to-be-classic-literature all to myself . . . . actually I’m tickled to death that my nonsense has been chosen for posting by a big blog.

I am fortunate enough to have one of my stories accepted by Sweatpants and Coffee.

Personal Essays | Letting Out the Novel Within

This is a story about finally writing the novel we all have inside.

 

 

Many Thanks to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop!

I am honored to have had my  Easter Story posted on the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop website! Surf on over and give my story a like. You can even read other humorous stories by real life authors and columnists (I consider myself to be a pretending author).

Erma Bombeck was the first author I remember reading as a teenager that actually made me LOL! If you are an aspiring or established humor writer, try submitting a post!

Big clumsy Fingers

I have big clumsy fingers. They don’t always work well with phone apps.

With the WordPress app, I find myself accidentally hitting things that I wasn’t intending on hitting.

One such thing is the “follow” button that is all too close to the link that takes me to the blog I am trying to get to. I end up “unfollowing” by mistake. Then I have to decide if it will cause more damage to leave the blog unfollowed and hope the blogger doesn’t notice, or re-follow causing a notification to pop up and most certainly making the blog owner wonder what kind of shenanigans I am up to.

I end up liking a lot of my own posts as well. I would never do this intentionally . . . . It just seems vain. But it happens when my bullish fingers go wandering through the china shop of the WordPress app.

The Worpress app has a lag that causes me problems as well. I’ll hit “like” on a particular post, and it takes several seconds for the little star to change colors. I get impatient and hit the “like” again. The little star finally changes color but then immediately back to it’s original color because I hit the like button twice. I have repeated this scenario up to ten times . . . Sending ten notifications to a blogger that I liked their post. . . . . ten times.

Again, I’m sure they are wondering what sort of shenanigans I am up to.

I’m really not all that worried about how many people read my blog.

I checked my blog stats and set my phone on the coffee table. The stats weren’t all that important since I had started my blog for fun, and I am not all that worried about how many people read it.

I went back to watching Dancing with the Stars. Well, actually my wife was watching Dancing with the Stars, I just happened to be in the same room.

I check my blog stats again which is odd because I started my blog for fun, and I’m not all that worried about how many people read it. Nothing had changed in the two minutes since I had last checked my stats. I set the phone back on the coffee table.

My eyes were getting heavy and I was just about to fade into my Dancing with the Stars nap when my phone lit up with some sort of a notification. I couldn’t quite tell if it was a WordPress icon that was showing on the screen.

Instinctively I started to reach for the phone to see what the notification was, but then I stopped and reminded myself that I had started my blog for fun and I’m NOT all that worried about how many people read it. I can check it later. I went back to watching Dancing with the Stars.

My mind drifted. I thought about my blog post from yesterday, a post that I was particularly proud of. Who in the world wouldn’t want to follow a blog that offered posts such as the one I had created yesterday? And besides, I had included some new strategic tag words that were sure to attract a whole new demographic of reader.

It occurred to me that I was fretting over my blog again. . . . A blog that I had started for fun and wasn’t all that worried about how many people read it.

“Stop it! Just stop it” I thought to myself.

“Stop what?” My wife asked.

Apparently I had also said it out loud.

“Are you obsessing about that blog again?” My wife added.

“NO! I started that blog for fun and I’m not all that worried about who reads it.”

Just then, the commercial with Jake from State Farm came on the television. I waited with baited breath for him to say “kakis” so I could laugh for the hundredth time and my wife could roll her eyes about me still laughing at a commercial I had seen a hundred times.

Right on cue, Jake said “kakis” and I started giggling.

“She sounds hideous”

I laughed even harder as I reached for my phone . . . . . But then stopped mid-reach. I remembered that I wasn’t checking my stats because I had started my blog for fun and I wasn’t all that worried about how many people read it.

I sat motionless . . . . My hand was partially outstretched towards the place where my phone sat on the coffee table. I hated the thought of obsessing over something, especially my blog which I had started for fun and wasn’t all that worried how many people read it.

As I sat with my arm still partially outstretched, my phone lit up again. . . . Only this time, my slightly more-forward posture allowed me to see that indeed it was a WordPress notification.

My eyes widened.

That made one WordPress notification for sure, and the possibility existed that the first time my phone lit up might be another WordPress notification. I stared at my blog checker . . . I mean my phone. It smoldered with the prospect of blogging fame and fortune.

My hand moved ever so slightly closer to the coffee table. But then I stopped and reminded myself that I had started my blog for . . . . OH SCREW IT! I grabbed the phone. I had to know.

It might be a notification telling me that I have a new follower! Maybe two new followers!

Maybe it was a blog award notification!! Who knows, it could be a notification telling me that Ellen Degeneres had mentioned my blog on her show and i was in the midst of a new follower tidal wave!

MAYBE MY BLOG WAS JUST NOMINATED FOR THE NOBEL PRIZE!!!!!!!!

Frantically, I unlocked my screen. The little red circle told me that I had one new WordPress notification (sigh, I was hoping for two or more). I opened the WordPress app to find that someone had liked my comment that I had made made in response to their comment.

“Sigh. . . ”

“People liking my comment is a good thing,” I told myself . . . . Of course having Ellen Degeneres mention my blog on her show or winning the Nobel prize is much better . . . . .

Fortunately, I had started my blog for fun and was not all that worried about how many people read it. Otherwise, I might be constantly checking my blog stats and worrying about my blog.

 

If you enjoyed this story, there is a whole book full of them available to you at Amazon.com:

Single Family Asylum

I’m Not One of Those Bloggers.

I see it all the time. The owner of a blog or Facebook page that was actually worth reading will get published or will self publish, which is what I did with my book Single Family Asylum, and then suddenly their blog or page becomes one big advertisement for their book.

I (author of Single Family Asylum) am just not going to be that blogger. I think that I have already made it clear that my book, Single Family Asylum, is available on Amazon ( Single Family Asylum ) and I’m going to leave it at that rather than continually shoving the fact that my book, Single Family Asylum, is on Amazon ( Single Family Asylum ) and ready for you to purchase it (from Amazon)(Single Family Asylum).

To me, Jon Ziegler author of Single Family Asylum, this is nothing short of vanity. It is certainly not something I would write about in my Amazon book Single Family Asylum. And you (the potential purchaser of Single Family Asylum) would never catch me taking some cheesy selfie posing like an author (even though I actually am Jon Ziegler author of Single Family Asylum) with reading glasses on my nose as an author prop, Single Family Asylum  and a computer in the background to suggest that I had just finished writing my book Single Family Asylum.

So fear not Single Family Asylum my faithful readers of the Single Family Asylum blog which is also now available in book form here: Single Family Asylum . I will never Single Family Asylum ever stoop Single Family Asylum  so low Single Family Asylum as to turn my blog Single Family Asylum into a shameless Single Family Asylum promotional site Single Family Asylum.

But just Single Family Asylum in case Single Family Asylum you missed Single Family Asylum my previous Single Family Asylum Single Family Asylum posts announcing Single Family Asylum the availability of Single Family Asylum the book (Single Family Asylum ), my book Single Family Asylum >***Single Family Asylum***> can be purchased by you Single Family Asylum Single Family Asylum  Single Family Asylum here Single Family Asylum on Single Family Asylum Amazon Single Family Asylum : Single Family Asylum.

Sincerely, Jon Ziegler author of Single Family Asylum

This is Big. . .Really Big.

I have taken the best of my ridiculous short stories from this blog and two previously published books and thrown them into a greatest hits of sorts. The result is probably one of the greatest books for sitting in the magazine rack next to the toilet that was ever created.

The Kindle version is available on Amazon as we speak. . . or as you read. The paperback will be available in a week or so.

Magical Book Link

For those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning, most of these stories have already appeared on this blog. . . . so I will forgive you (eventually) if you don’t purchase it. The rest of you will have to buy the book to read all of the stories that have been featured on this fine blog.

“Well why would I buy the book when I can just go into your archives and read the stories for free?” you might ask.

I will tell you why. Because most of the stories in the book that once appeared on this blog were later removed to be held for ransom. Buy the book or you will never see those stories again. It’s marketing at it’s finest.

Many sincere thanks my dozen or so dedicated readers!

 

A Horrific Tale About Writer’s Block.

The urge to write something epic was over-powering. I needed to create a piece that was unique, but still containing all the time tested components of a classic. I could feel the creative genius building inside me like a pile of leaves that had been ignited with too much gasoline.

A novel! I’d write a novel that would put Melville’s silly fish story to shame. . . . . No, that would take too long and I know from experience, that these bursts of creative energy only last a few hours, or until something catches my eye on TV.

Maybe a poem . . . no, that’s an even more ridiculous notion. I haven’t the slightest idea how to meter, and I think I might be rhyme deaf.

So, I decided that I should stop wasting time deciding what form of literature my writing would be and just start writing. I could always decide later if it was a novel, or poem, or short story. I would just let the spirit take me wherever it wanted.

I sat down at the computer with my cup of coffee. I made myself comfortable, and prepared to unleash the epic-ness . . . I cracked my knuckles in preparation for the flurry of typing . . . here we go.

But nothing was coming out.

The keyboard keys were not clacking.

I thought for sure that this much inspiration was surely the precursor to an earth-shaking subject matter. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I really had no ideas on deck. The desire to begin my masterpiece was unbearable, but there was nothing there!

I began to look around the room as if the dirty cereal bowl on the end table, or the floral print box of Kleenexes would suddenly jar a topic loose, but again, there was nothing.

I stood up and scratched my head. I looked out the window at the overgrown lawn, but all that came to mind was that the lawn mower blades needed sharpening. For a second, I pondered a novel about dull lawn mower blades, but it seemed to lack the potential for being the awesomeness that I was determined to create.

Picking up a women’s magazine from the coffee table, I began to leaf through it. I would write a story about . . . dish soap? No, that’s silly . . . how about “Sizzling Summer Fashion Ideas?” No, even the word fashion itself made me yawn . . . tampons? Good Lord, NO!

I simply had nothing to write about, and it was beginning to make me angry. I was getting angry at my brain. Stupid brain!

After another two hours of seeking ideas from magazines, two glasses of wine, watching the dog sleep, and both sides of Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” album, I finally gave in to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and all the ambition in the world was simply not going to change that fact.

In an act of desperation, I sat down and began writing about having writer’s block, the result of which you are reading now. It certainly isn’t the Pulitzer Prize winner that I was anticipating, but it did occupy me until a documentary about South African Crocodiles came on the television.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can get away with writing about having writer’s block more than once with any degree of success. I guess the next time I have writer’s block you will be stuck reading about a floral print box of Kleenexes.

Publishers are just Jealous of my Skills.

I’m thinking about having another go at self-publishing. All the publishers I have submitted to just can’t seem to bring themselves to accept my genius . . . . I’m pretty sure they are all jealous of my skills . . . 

No, I really don’t think that. 

My stories are an odd humor. And although they may be entertaining to some (a very few some), I know there are some rough spots to the writing. I don’t see a publisher wanting to take a chance on my stories, so I may have another go at self-publishing. 

I’ve published two different story collections in the past. I didn’t quite make the Best Sellers list, but I was happy that there were a few people, who weren’t my friends or family, who actually enjoyed the books. I carried a 4.5 star rating on Amazon out of about forty reviews, not to mention I made dozens of dollars.

I think I may pick some of my favorite stories (I have around 120 or so to choose from) and re-work them a bit. Then put them in a sort of greatest hits of sorts.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts for this moment. Has anyone out there done any self-publishing? Any success? 

Authors?

Are there any author hopefuls out there? Writer wannabes like myself? I found a website called Authonomy. It is owned by the publisher Harper Collins. 

https://www.authonomy.com

Authonomy offers a place to upload your book, or even a work in progress. Other members can then read and rate your work . . . A lot like many other author websites. The difference, however, is that Authonomy is owned and operated by a publisher, and apparently there is a potential to have your book noticed and published by Harper Collins.

I’m new to the site (blunderdad is my user name if you want to read and leave a review stating that my writing some of the greatest literature that can be found on the planet). Activity on the site is a little slow, but it’s an interesting concept. 

So check it out and tell me what you think. Or maybe you have and already have an opinion.

New York Times Best Seller List, here we come!

I’ve decided to write a dramatic novel one sentence at a time right here on my blog. I think it will either be a murder mystery or a western written in the style of Shakespeare . . . . But I can decide all that later in the book.

Anyway, here goes.

Chapter One.

As Lord Krumbly soothingly stepped from the painfully rustic outhouse into the dull, glistening snow, the murderous and harsh bitterness of the agonizing cold winter wind felt like a horrifying, deadly picker bush as it whipped cruelly acrossed his cheeks (the ones on his face).