I Apologize.

I apologize for my absence. I’ve been spending my precious few moments of spare time submitting my nonsense to higher traffic sites and publications. 

I love writing, but it would appear that I am not well suited to blog promoting, and again, lack of time is probably a factor. I’ve been going for almost a year and a half and I have accumulated a little over 300 followers. I look at other sites with 5000, or 10,000 followers and I realize I’m not so good at selling my blog. 

I am not abandoning my blog by any means. . . Just taking a look around in the world of writing.

Sorry to my cherished followers. I shall check back in a while!

Do As I Say, Not As I Do!

I told my daughter that she must always treat other people with kindness and respect. She answered, “But you yelled at and threatened the cable guy, and made him cry the last three times he was at our house!”

I told my daughter’s they must never lie. They both answered, “But you told us when we were younger, that kissing boys causes cancer.”

I told my daughter that she needs to take care of her toys, because I wasn’t going to buy her any more if they got ruined. She said, “Then how come whenever your weed whacker won’t start, you can smash it into a million pieces with a hammer and go buy a new one?”

I told my daughter’s to be wise and save their money, and not waste it on silly things. They asked me, “Then why did you spend a hundred dollars on an a Darth Vader helmet lamp, and fifty on a bass that hangs on the wall and sings ‘don’t worry, be happy’ ?”

I told my daughter she must never disrespect or talk back to her mother. She wanted to know, “So how come whenever you and mom argue, you go out to your shed where you think no one can hear you, and mumble swear words about where she can go if she wants to be like that, and where she can stick her honey-do list?”

I’m starting to get gun shy. Whenever I feel the need to lecture one of my daughters, I must first make sure there is nothing I’ve done that they can throw back in my face. Sometimes it’s just easier to tell my wife what I want to yell at them about, and have her give them my lecture . . . she seems to have less skeletons in her closet.

 

 

That’s not Funny.

It seems to me, that when entering the world of having children, we are expected to leave our sense of humor by the door. Joking is permitted in nearly all aspects of our lives, with the exception of infants and children.

Shortly after the birth of my first daughter, Hannah, my mother-in-law arrived at our house and asked where the new baby was. I simply answered, “I put her in the dryer because she was making too much noise.”

She did not find it to be the least bit funny and in fact, you would have thought that I had just committed a murder right in front of her. I started to explain that I was just only joking, but then my razor sharp wit took over and I added, “The dryer only amplifies sound. If I was going to stick her in an appliance, it would have been the dish washer.”

This sent her into a rage, “YOU DON’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT SUCH THINGS!”

It would seem to me, that when it comes to joking about sticking infants into appliances, the general consensus is that if I joke about it, then I have to actually do it.

A few years later, I was left alone with my two daughters and four of their cousins while all the mothers went shopping. One young niece started singing, “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round.”

Before long, all of the other kids had joined in, and after ten minutes of the same phrase being repeatedly sung by six loud children, my sanity began to wear thin. To make the concert more bearable, I decided to compose a second verse to the song, and have them perform it when the mothers arrived home from shopping.

The second verse went like this, “The cheeks on my butt make lots of sound, lots of sound.”

The six of them performing this new verse in front of their mothers, did not go over any better than the daughter in the dryer joke. You would have thought I had taught them all to swear like sailors. In fact, one of my sister-in-laws still won’t let me watch her children alone any more.

Perhaps my brand of humor is a bit much when talking about something as precious as our little children, but I think everybody could lighten up a little bit too . . . because if you don’t, I will come to your house, and glue your children’s feet to the ceiling and wrap them in Christmas tree lights . . .  That is a joke, I would never glue their feet to the ceiling because the blood rushing to their heads would make them pass out. I would only glue children’s feet to the floor.

 

If you enjoyed this story, there is a whole book full of them waiting for you at Amazon:

Single Family Asylum