“I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to be your parent.”
That statement has never really sat well with me. I get the thought behind the idea, but I’ve always felt that being an effective parent requires staying relevant in a child’s life beyond drill sargeant and enforcer. I try very hard at being both . . . . Parent and friend.
I have always considered bear hugs as a litmus for gauging how I’m doing with my balancing act between drill sargeant and friend.
I frequently attack my girls with hugs, like a bear mauling an unfortunate victim. Only my girls don’t fight like the victim of a bear attack might. In fact, they hug back. I figure if my ambush hugs don’t result in them vomitting or punching me in the face, They must not think that my being their dad is all that repulsive yet.
But like I said, my girls hug back, and we wrestle (they don’t get a free pass on me hurling them to ground just because they are girls . . . Although the older I get and the stronger they get, it is not always I who does the hurling) and it is not uncommon for me to have one of them leaning on me while watching a movie . . . . Sometimes its both girls plus all variety of domesticated beast that mistakingly thinks that my affection for my girls automatically applies to their flea bitten carcasses as well.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to suggest that my parenting or there teenagering is anywhere near perfect. We argue, disrespect and throw tantrums with a ferocity that would make even Dr. Phil blush. That’s where the “I’m sorry” comes into play. . . . Not just my kids being forced to say it to me, but me saying it to them as well.
You are a fool as a parent if you think that you never let your temper get the best of you, or minimize something that is very important to your child, and even get so busy that you ignore their concerns altogether. I’m not perfect, and my girls know that.
So when I act like I’m never in the wrong as their dad, yet they know I am not perfect, I lose credibility with them. I’m not afraid to tell them, “I’m sorry, I over-reacted,” or “I should have listened to you instead of cutting you off.
My relationship with my girls could take a turn for the worse tomorrow. I don’t have all the answers. . . Sometimes I feel like I don’t have any. But as long as I’m alive, I will not hold back on giving my girls bear hugs and I’m sorrys.
Awww… this is beautiful!
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I don’t get serious very often.
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I was right! You are a great dad 🙂
I couldn’t agree with you more on this. It’s the same way I raised my girls, who are now in their 20’s, and we are still friends 😀
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I try. And my girls still seem to like me around at 16 and 18 years old so I must not have completely screwed it up.
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Oh the teen years!!! I am bracing myself already with my 10 year old. It’s a war zone here sometimes. She is so unpredictable. But you are right, the I’m sorrys are very important.
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My only advice is to make sure you spend more energy letting them know you love them than what you spend butt chewing and grounding . . . . This can amount to a WHOLE LOT of energy letting them know you love them.
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Great advice! Noted! 👍
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That’s very sweet!
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The line between being a friend and parent is interesting and ever changing. I raised three terrific daughters and like you I was always hugging them and telling them I love them. I still do, and they range in age from 29-40. I coached all three of them in multiple sports, went to see everything they were ever involved in, picked them up from parties when they became uncomfortable with what may have been going on, without asking a question, and spoke with them about anything and everything. I think there’s a time you become friends with your childen but I think its hard to do when you also have to be the voice of reason and dole out discipline. I’ve seen parents who think it’s okay to play drinking games with their children and their friends because they want to be the cool parents. Theres a time for everything. I think that includes when and where that line is drawn. But that’s just me..:)
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Sounds like we are on the same page. Lines are lines and I’ll not cross them for the sake of being a cool parent. They will have to wait til they are 21 before they drink, or before I hear about it. But that’s where staying a relevant part of their lives is important. I don’t want them to just fear my punishment, I want them to fear disappointing me.
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So beautifully put across…
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Hug away! I firmly believe hugs are the answer to most problems!
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Lovely post there, Blunderdad! Hugs, kisses take tons of effort when tempers flare but one of those that make all anger fade away! 😊 you are one cool dad!
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