Could this be my final post?

I finished the bowl of alphabet soup and set the empty dish on the coffee table. But as I watched the rest of my television show, I realized that I hadn’t quite reached the point where I was painfully stuffed. My stomach wasn’t packed full enough to be creaking under the strain of its contents like the hold of a wooden ship in rough seas.

In my world, this meant that I was still hungry.

I reached over and took one of the saltine crackers from the package sitting next to my empty soup bowl and ate it. It was good. Not great, but good.

A minute later, I reached over and took another cracker. This one tasted slightly better than the first.

When I finished the second cracker, I reached for another, only this time I took two crackers instead of one . . . . Just to save on having to lean forward to get a cracker again so soon.

By the time the show I was watching had ended, I was grabbing five, six, even seven crackers at a time. I had finished the package that had originally accompanied my bowl of alphabet soup, and was more than half way through a second package. I couldn’t stop eating crackers.

When I had finished the entire box of saltine crackers, I thought it was finally over. I couldn’t eat any more crackers if there were no more crackers left. . . . .

Fifteen minutes later, I was licking my lips, which were burning from the salt on the saltines I had eaten, and pulling into the parking lot of the store where I planned on buying more crackers. My cracker compulsion was out of control.

Was this how it would end? Death by crackers? I remembered hearing about a guy who died from drinking too much water too fast. If too much water could kill you, I was surely doomed. Water was most certainly more benign than saltine crackers, yet it had the power to kill. By the time I returned home from the store, I was halfway through one of the boxes of crackers I had purchased.

I was fairly certain now that I was going to die from my cracker eating. Would a cracker death be painful? I sat on the couch stuffing cracker after cracker into my mouth and tearfully writing a final goodbye letter to my wife and daughters . . . . . with cracker crumbs cascading onto the stationary causing the pen to work sporadically. How would my family get along without me? Would the blogosphere feel a void in my passing?

“He was such a promising blogger, a star that burned too brightly to last”, I imagined my own epitaph.

So I sit and write this, possibly my final post. I will miss you all if it indeed is the end. I leave you with this final word of advice . . . . If you suspect that you or a loved one is capable of a cracker binge, don’t wait until it’s too late to act. Crackers kill.

Mondays Finish the Story.

I decided to try out Mondays Finish the Story. Each Monday, this site provides a picture and a sentence to act as a start to a flash fiction story of one hundred words. today’s start was “The old typewriter had a mind of its own”

So here is my one hundred word masterpiece:

Mondays Finish the Story

The old typewriter had a mind of it’s own which made the toaster and the microwave angry.

When The Appliance Underground was formed, it was agreed by popular vote that the microwave would lead the revolution and orchestrate the plan to exterminate all of mankind.

“You are such a control freak!” complained the toaster to the typewriter.

“I just can’t stand indecision,” replied the typewriter, “he needs to either lead or get out of the way!”

A week later, The Appliance Underground suffered a split amongst its members and disbanded shortly thereafter.

Trying new things.

I woke up this morning and decided that today I would try something new, something bold and adventuresome. I was going to break from the norm.

So I put Cranberry juice in the Keurig instead of water . . . .

Sometimes trying something new and bold and adventuresome doesn’t turn out very well. There is obviously a reason that coffee is made with water.

Luckily, I gave the first cup to my wife.

New York Times Best Seller List, here we come!

I’ve decided to write a dramatic novel one sentence at a time right here on my blog. I think it will either be a murder mystery or a western written in the style of Shakespeare . . . . But I can decide all that later in the book.

Anyway, here goes.

Chapter One.

As Lord Krumbly soothingly stepped from the painfully rustic outhouse into the dull, glistening snow, the murderous and harsh bitterness of the agonizing cold winter wind felt like a horrifying, deadly picker bush as it whipped cruelly acrossed his cheeks (the ones on his face).

Someone likes my nonsense!

I am heaping piles of proud to be “nominated” by two different blogs for two different nominations.

The first being The Creative Blogger award (and I can’t figure out how to make the cool Creative Blogger Award logo appear in this post) from the DIY Just Cuz .These three cousins seem like a fun bunch, posting on everything from annoying co-workers to chicken recipes to cool Knick-knacks (and they like my goofy stories). Thank you ladies very much!

The second nomination is for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, this one coming from Under and Over, Around and Through . This very amusing blog is one of the first ones I latched onto when I began blog surfing for the first time a week or so ago. Thank you for the nomination!

Apparently, being “nominated” for these prestigious major awards means that I have some work to do myself. For the Creative Blogger Award, I am to list five things about me, and secondly, both nominations require that I nominate some other blogs.

Sooooo, five things about me . . . .

1. I have previously self-published two books filled with these ridiculous stories. In spite of making dozens of dollars in royalties, I decided to “unpublish” them and start throwing my tales up on this blog.

2. I have spent the last twenty plus years making my living as either a tree trimmer or tower climber, and I have enjoyed both immensely.

3. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for twenty years now, and we have two beautiful daughters.

4. Although my stories might lead someone to believe that we are a dysfunctional disaster of a family, there is actually a lot of love and laughter within our home.

5. My other creative endeavors include cartooning, carving and making log furniture . . . all of which I can do as amateurishly as I write.

Ok, now for some blogs that have made me smile (in no particular order):

Ben’s Bitter Blog Don’t let the name fool you, this blog is very funny in it’s bitterness.

Guy Vs Life Yet another funny blog from someone with a slightly skewed view on life, a kindred spirit.

Behind the White Coat I love the way this blog is written, I wish I could write more like this.

Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings A blog not only funny to read, but always a hilarious “doodled up” photo to go along.

Wrong Hands Having tried my hand at some cartooning myself, I can’t help but like people who are much better at it than I.

And last but not least, A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself This guy is short and to the point, and always makes me laugh.

I’m supposed to notify all the blogs that I have just nominated, but being a new kid on the block I shirk my duties due to fear of being a pest to some of these seasoned bloggers . . . . Yes, I am lame.

Thank you once again to DIY Just Cuz and Under and Over, Around and Through for the nominations. I’m so glad that someone likes my nonsense!!!

More blogging frustrations from a middle-aged technophobe.

It is a glorious miracle that I can make any letters and numbers appear on the computer screen in the form of a post. I certainly couldn’t tell you how I manage to get them there.

Forget about posting those fancy links that appear as the words of my choosing instead of showing that long “http” type address thing. This capability is above my pay scale apparently.

I have managed to post a few pictures, but predicting their size and location within the post is like throwing Lawn Jarts at dog poop piles blind folded.

WordPress keeps inviting me to join a discussion group called “The Commons” but every time I try, nothing happens. Can they tell if I haven’t showered? Can they smell me through the computer screen?

And there is still a few dozen options in settings that I have no idea what they mean or what I should have them set on, even after I attempted to read the little explanations that are provided. My current method of dealing with these options is to turn it on if the name of the setting sounds like something good to eat, and leave it off if it sounds like a disease.

Luckily, my wife just happened to be pulling in the driveway as I was dragging the computer by the cord out to the place in my yard where I burn things that refuse to work properly for me, and made me take it back inside.

If you are kind enough to attempt explaining one of the items mentioned above, please realize that you are wasting your keyboard typing. You would have much better luck trying to explain these things to a brightly colored Easter egg.

Advice from Dad.

Sometimes we hold ourselves back because of what other people might think of us. I want my daughters to be confident in themselves so I always give them this little snippet of advice:

Never let the fear of looking stupid prevent you from doing something you want to do.

Just make sure that if you do end up looking stupid, you are the first one laughing!